Broken with a Butter-bean

Twenty-eight years old, destructive in my decisions and broken. 

Pregnant, wearing a scarlet letter. Although my actions had hurt many (and I’m sure continue to do so), I was not demon possessed. I knew of God and felt that He was up in Heaven angry at all the sinners. Including me. 

I tried to go to church the previous year in Duck, NC, a beautiful church castle on the water. Went several times and no one spoke to me. I’m serious. No one. During service one Sunday- they passed around a clip board to sign up for a missions trip to Florida to help those affected by Hurricane Andrew. I signed up- never got a call. 

I was searching. I was in a failing marriage. I was very wounded from my parents divorce and all that went with it. I had an eating disorder that I hid from even my parents and my husband. Broken. Mentally messed up.  I found what I thought was love, in a wrong place. 

I am so very sorry that I caused pain. I know God has forgiven me and I have forgiven "me" too.

That summer I discovered that I was pregnant. During the next 24 hrs I had a least three people that I can vividly remember share that I needed to have an abortion.

I wasn’t wicked. I was broken and in search of love.

What I needed was to know who Jesus really was (and is). And I needed someone- because that’s how His kingdom comes on earth, to show me His love.  BTW- He used several people to guide me and none of them were in a church building. 

Somehow I knew that the life in me was bigger than me.

If you believe in the Word of God- and I do, He shares that He is the creator. Only Him. Somehow I knew that this life, living inside of me was a special gift to a messed up girl.

I am thankful that I made the choice to have Skylar. She had a right to live. I didn’t take that choice away from an innocent little butter-bean with a heartbeat. Thank God. **

So this morning- God show me who to love today. 

An angry political post, an elaborate church building- is that really what God uses to reach the lost and the hurting? 

I don’t think so. 

Sometimes, I think we confuse what is the real evil. 

Let's stop throwing stones, showing off religion, and start following His example. 

Let's stop building country club castles and start building Kingdoms that are made of the church who Jesus calls us to be...


God, show us.



John 13: 34A new commandment I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so also you must love one another. 35 By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you love one another.

* Note- my parents both handled the divorce with our family in mind. Forgiveness and friendship has been modeled through the years- but the initial mess of it all and the end to our family as we knew it, affected us all.

** I have known many dear souls that made the choice to have an abortion. I would NEVER judge them or shame them. That was their choice. God never takes choice out of the equation.  I could write more about this- I am definately pro life, both with the lives of the unborn and those sitting on death row. For now- I just wanted you to know my heart and that I would never pass judgement on anyone.